The Continuing Adventures of 'The Black Knight' & 'The Red Dragon'
This A.A.R is written with the kind permission of The Black Knight, Red Dragon and two other pilots [who, if this was a Star Trek episode, would be wearing red-shirts and holding the rank of ensign]
..... it was a sunny day in Northern France and the air war as ever was going the way of the glorious German Air Force [ahem] and as such; The Red Dragon,The Black Knight, The Blue Pumpernickel and the The Red Baronet sat eating roasted pheasant, whilst enjoying a nice cool chablis when The Red Baronet leaned over and took a pomme-fritte (chip) off the plate of The Blue Pumpernickel.
This resulted (as you would imagine) in a heated discussion about "never taking another mans chips" and when The Red Dragon pointed out to The Black Knight that the Red Baronet was "looking at him in a funny way" things got out of hand and yet again (for some strange reason) the sound of engines starting and a dispairing look from the ground crew (who had only just returned with The Red Dragons aircraft [See: "The Black Knight jousts, the Red Dragon belches flame...]) bellowed across the countryside...
....It was time to put the 'fire' into 'friendly fire' once again.
As a two on two training exercise [as the post battle action report was written] it started with a mid-height approach in a finger-two formation for both pairs, with hand-signals between The Red Dragon and The Blue Pumpernickel confirming that they had 600 rounds between them - (300 cheese and pickle, 298 ham and 2 marmite and banana) [Yes I know it's a Blackadder IV joke, but it's still funny and I like it]
(The Red Dragon & Blue Pumpernickel)
(About to take vengeance for our stolen 'chip')
As both pairs approached each other, either side of the river, there was a palpable tension, not only because for the second time in 2 days The Red Dragon and The Black Knight were spending another patrol in the air trying to shoot each down over 'food'; but also because we had recruited two others to our cause - if this went on the Squadron would be attempting to shoot each other down over whether kedgeree or bacon and eggs were served at breakfast - and whilst a worrying trend, kedgeree would eventually be the easy winner!!
Keeping in tight formation, The Red Dragon & The Blue Pumpernickel turned hard right over the river and began to close in on The Black Knight, who had a quick tactical discussion with The Red Baronet but had fallen out over the use of pepper on sausages, resulting in the Red Baronet pulling away leaving The Black Knight's flank exposed.
Seeing the danger The Black Knight pulled hard right just as The Blue Pumpernickel pulled the trigger, the resulting firestorm peppering [as opposed to salting] The Black Knight but doing no substantial damage.
(The Black Knight survives the first strike)
As round after round (of cheese and pickle sandwiches) erupted around The Black Knight The Red Baronet who had now come to terms with the fact that his wing-leader preferred pepper to salt on his sausages began to join the fray, screaming above the engine noise to The Blue Pumpernickel that "it was just ONE CHIP" began pummelling the trigger with his fingers... after a token hit on The Red Dragon there was a disturbing 'clunk' noise and the guns jammed, causing the The Red Baronet to curse the ground crew, his aircraft, his right thumb, his left thumb and the opposition for holding up a big card with a "2" and a "jammed symbol" right in front of his plane.
(The Red Baronet is put off by huge pieces of cardboard which appeared in front of him during combat)
The Blue Pumpernickel capable of short shallow turns refused to allow The Black Knight to pull away, turn after turn they stayed together with the resulting combat being decided when a final round [later investigation of the wreck found it to be a marmite and banana one] entered through the main control rudder of The Black Knight ending his contribution to the condiment argument.... after bailing out at low level and landing in a haystack [lucky that!!] The Black Knight looked up, fished an errant piece of banana from his ear and watched as the remaining contenders continued their airborne struggle.
(The Black Knight "de-horsed")
Meanwhile, The Red Dragon who had seen his victor vanquished [trying saying that 5 times with a mouthful of sandwiches] watched happily over his shoulder as The Black Knight crashed into the french countryside when he noticed that his plane began to disintegrate around him.
Aware that this wasn't a design feature of this particular aircraft type and that in all likelihood something was out of the ordinary he adjusted his rear mirror [away from his dashing good looks and piercing blue eyes] to see behind him and was immediately greeted with the sight of The Red Baronet eyes full of hate [and salted sausages] with guns blazing.
The Red Dragon pulled hard on his stick [yep, could be construed as yet another masturbation joke] and was only mildly surprised when it came off in his hand [you can make of that what you will], trying his rudders he found that the right one simply fell off the control bar and the left one had fallen through a hole in the cockpit floor. Wondering if he could at this point change his mind about the kedgeree and switch to bacon and eggs the tail promptly fell off his aircraft and for the second time in two days he searched in vain for the french tradesman selling cotton-wool balls.
(The Red Dragon de-flamed)
The Blue Pumpernickel seeing his comrade-in-kedgeree fall to The Red Baronet he turned in, watching as The Red Baronet climbed in a series of immelman turns to gain a height advantage the final combat maneuvers began to take place.
(The final game of chicken (which is a shame because if the chicken dies there's no more eggs or kedgeree)
Both aircraft having taken hits from earlier in the combat it was a tense few minutes of twist and turns, height adjustments and just out of range shots as both pilots looked to gain the advantage [and the last marmite and banana sandwich] when both The Blue Pumpernickel and The Red Baronet made decisive turns to close the distance.... and opened fire....
(The flight of the last sandwich)
As the aircraft were buffeted by strikes on both sides The Blue Pumpernickel performed an eloquent split-S maneuver putting himself in a firing position, and whilst again scoring hits failed to down The Red Baronet, prompting The Blue Pumpernickel to question whether or not he was firing blanks [I can probably keep coming up with these jokes all the way through the story!!]
As The Blue Pumpernickel continued to fiddle with his equipment [See, told you!] it gave The Red Baronet the opportunity he was waiting for, bringing his aircraft round for a snap-shot he loosed off the last of his ammo at his foe, and in a final explosion of aircraft parts, engine bits [and due to the intense heat now toasted sandwiches] The Blue Pumpernickel finally succumbed to the inevitable and began the long descent towards oblivion.
(The end of the conflict)
The Red Baronet seeing the field littered with his comrades [who admittedly he had shot down] began his return to base, flying low to ensure that everyone was okay - and ignoring the shouts for a lift from The Black Knight who had run out of large banana's twenty minutes earlier and only had a small one left but who had found comfort in the arms of a french serving girl [who was mildly disappointed in the size of his banana] headed for home.
Editors note: at this point it is important to point out that end to this story could have been written very differrently when The Red Baronet revealed how close he had come to joining The Black Knight in the haystack leaving The Blue Pumpernickel victorious
(Just one more hit...)
Remember to tune in next week for more colourful adventures of The Red Dragon & The Black Knight
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Originally Posted by Willi Von Klugermann
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