Flying Penguins.

**Archidamus** · 11-06-2010 11:16

Did you hear about the penguin who invested in a seafood farm?

When he sold it a few years later, he was squids in :0

(My girls are threatening to leave home if my jokes don't get better)

**Flying Officer Kyte** · 11-06-2010 13:13

Originally Posted by Archidamus

(My girls are threatening to leave home if my jokes don't get better)

You should be so lucky.

Rob.

**The Cowman** · 11-06-2010 16:00

**bumblie3** · 11-07-2010 02:31

Must have really been travelling to hit the cat that hard!......
John.

**bumblie3** · 11-07-2010 05:51

A penguin is waddling home one evening, when he is pounced on by two polar bears.

Holding him down, they tape his beak shut, and one punctures the top in several places, with his claws. The bear then tucks him under his arm, and he and his friend wander off to meet up with some other friends. There the penguin notices one bear holding a walrus with an oar shoved up his rear end to keep him stiff, with his whiskers stretched taut and firmly attached to its tail, whilst yet another bear has set two oil drums on end. The remaining bear disappears behind a wall of snow and then reappears dragging a seal by its tail, and carrying a pair of sturdy bones.

With one foot holding the seal in place, he proceeds to hammer on its ribs as though they were the keys of a xylophone.

The one with the oil drums starts to beat out a syncopated rhythm, whilst the one with the walrus, stands it on its tail, and plucks it like a double bass.

The one with the penguin holds its rear to its mouth, starts to huff, puff and blow rasperries, and to the penguin's amazement, when the bear fingers the hole in his beak, he proceeds to play red hot Dixie-Land Jazz.

After about half an hour of playing, the bear plays a particularly complicated passage, and suddenly there is a loud explosion, and pieces of the penguin flutter to the ice.

"Darn it!" says the bear, wiping goo off its face. "That's the trouble with these homemade clarinets, they just don't last. That's the third I've had burst on me this week"...

**Archidamus** · 11-08-2010 04:10

Ouch - that hurt!

Two penguins are courting, and for a date the boy penguin takes his girlfriend to the edge of the ice flow. He doesn't pay her much attention, and after a while she dives in and swims under the water.

He is surprised when she surfaces a few minutes later without any fish, but muttering "you look lovely tonight, dear". Puzzled, he asks what she is doing - and she replies "fishing for a compliment" (boom, boom)

**bumblie3** · 12-05-2010 04:17

A penguin receives a huge brown paper parcel through the mail. Half an hour later he emerges from his igloo wearing a very snazzy tam-o-shanter, and carrying a full set of golf clubs over his arm. His wife stands at the door with a scowl on her beak, as he stops to wave at her. As he wanders off, a friend stops him.

'What are you doing with all that gear?' asks the friend. 'You don't know how to play golf!'

'I know that!' said the penguin. ' I'm really only annoying the wife! She's convinced I'm going off to enjoy myself...'

John

**richard m schwab** · 12-05-2010 04:36

John!

Perfect!

You have done it again John!

Rich

**bumblie3** · 12-05-2010 07:48

The Amazing Golf Ball

Two penguins went out to play golf on the local links and were about to tee off, when the first penguin notices that his opponent only had one golf ball.

"Didn't you bring another golf ball, just in case?" asked the first penguin.

The second penguin replied that no, he only needed this one.

"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"

The other guy replied, "This is a marvelous golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to fish it out."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other penguin replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," says the other penguin, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

"Suppose its snowing and you hit it off the fairway into a snow drift? You'll never see the white ball in the snow.!"

"Like I said, no problem, the ball turns red an it puts up a little homing beacon mast with a beeper on the top, which sounds until the ball is picked up!" says the second penguin.

"Blimey!!" says the first penguin, amazed.

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the first penguin asks, "Hey, where did you buy a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replies, "Oh, I didn't buy it, I found it."

John

**Flying Officer Kyte** · 12-05-2010 11:01

And again.

Rob.

**MayorJim** · 12-05-2010 16:38

John,

I think I've golfed with that penguin a few times m'self

**Archidamus** · 12-06-2010 03:17

That's par for the course (tada)

**Lucky Bryan** · 12-06-2010 04:39

Why don't Elephants like penguins?

Because they can't get the wrappers off....

Lucky.

**bumblie3** · 12-06-2010 06:14

Four penguins strap on ice skates, and set off to race around the island. Reaching the first corner in line abreast, they hurtled into the turn. One slammed flat on it's face and skidded into a steep drift. Two spectators rushed out to help, dragging him feet first, from the drift.
As they stood him on his feet, one noticed a lettuce leaf sticking out of the scater's bottom...
"Look! Look!" points out the first in excitement. "Relax!", replies the second, "I think it is just the tip of the iceberg!"

**bumblie3** · 12-06-2010 06:15

Four penguins strap on ice skates, and set off to race around the island. Reaching the first corner in line abreast, they hurtled into the turn. One slammed flat on it's face and skidded into a steep drift. Two spectators rushed out to help, dragging him feet first, from the drift.
As they stood him on his feet, one noticed a lettuce leaf sticking out of the scater's bottom...
"Look! Look!" points out the first in excitement. "Relax!", replies the second, "I think it is just the tip of the iceberg!"

**Archidamus** · 12-06-2010 06:24

A penguin fell through a window, breaking the pane of glass.

He offered to call a glacier!

**Wolf** · 12-06-2010 06:56

I think when you stop flying this is what you become a penguin. Grin.

**Flying Officer Kyte** · 12-06-2010 11:52

The Director of Rolls Royce is driving home in his Silver Wraith through the snow one night, when he catches sight of a bedraggled looking penguin sitting at the side of the road flippering for a lift. It is such a bad night that he stops and winds down his automatic window." Hop in". He says." I'll give you a lift to the nearest Zoo".
As they bowl along he offers the penguin a drink from his travelling drinks cabinet. "Wow". Says the penguin," I never saw anything like that before". The director then lights a cigar from the electronic lighter. "Wow says the penguin that is astounding". Just then he sees the button on the glove compartment. "What does this do?" He says. "Press it and you will see". Says the director. The penguin presses the button and the compartment opens with hardly a sound. Inside is a C.D. "What is this for?" Asks the penguin. "Put it in that slot and listen". Says the director. "Wow!" The penguin amazed at the quad sound filling the car. Then he spots a golf tee at the back of the glove compartment. "What is that for?" He says. The director answers. "It is for resting your balls on when you drive off".
"Wow!" Says the penguin. "Rolls Royce think of everything ".

Rob.

**The Cowman** · 12-06-2010 12:30

Gawds these are terrible... hilarious... but terrible!

Being an obviously "uninformed" American, (sometimes we Americans forget that the rest of the World is out there... I know, I know... you are finding that hard to believe... ) I find myself doing internet research trying to understand the obession with penguins here... still no clue... but I did find these:

http://shop.cafepress.com/british-penguin

**Flying Officer Kyte** · 12-06-2010 12:38

Originally Posted by The Cowman

Gawds these are terrible... hilarious... but terrible!

Being an obviously "uninformed" American, (sometimes we Americans forget that the rest of the World is out there... I know, I know... you are finding that hard to believe... ) I find myself doing internet research trying to understand the obession with penguins here... still no clue... but I did find these:

http://shop.cafepress.com/british-penguin

Those are fantastic Ken. Wait till Bumblie sees them. I have a good idea what the T shirt design for the British flights will now be based upon.

For me it all started when a friend of mine who was a Falklands War Veteran told me about the Harrier Jump Jets and Penguin down.
Rob.

**The Cowman** · 12-06-2010 12:41

Originally Posted by Flying Officer Kyte

Those are fantastic Ken. Wait till Bumblie sees them. I have a good idea what the T shirt design for the British flights will now be based upon.

I know I am not in a British Flight, but can I be an honorary Brit? When you get the shirts figured out, I would like to purchase one. Size 3x (So I have room once I accidentally shrink it in the dryer...)

**Wolf** · 12-06-2010 12:43

Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?

A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.

**The Cowman** · 12-06-2010 12:48

Originally Posted by Wolf

Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?

A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.

Oh great... I say "Size 3x"... and William makes a joke about "Whales"... I see how it is now!

**McKeever** · 12-06-2010 12:54

A guy walks stumbles into a gin-joint, pale as a ghost and looking quite distressed. He sits at the bar and the bartender, seeing the man is shaken asks:

"Hey buddy, you look kinda troubled. Something I can help you with?"

"Yeah," the guys says. "First give me a drink. A double of your strongest stuff."

The barkeep complies. The guy downs it in one gulp.

"So buddy," the bartender continues. "What happen?

"I...I just an an accident with my car. I wasn't paying attention and I think I hit something at the crosswalk," the patron answers.

"Wow, sorry to hear that." The bartender sympathizes. "Here have drink on the house. It'll steady your nerves. Anything else I can do?

"Yeah, there sure is. Tell me, how tall is a penguin?"

The bartender shrugs, then puts his hand about two feet from the top of the bar. "I dunno, about like this maybe?"

"OH...MY...GOD!", the guy puts his face in his hands. "They were Nuns!!"

**The Cowman** · 12-06-2010 13:06

I could not resist... I had to find one...

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

...I'm sorry... it was the best one I could find involving a cow!

**tonyc206** · 12-06-2010 14:13

Originally Posted by The Cowman

I could not resist... I had to find one...

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

...I'm sorry... it was the best one I could find involving a cow!

Ken you should be udderly ashamed of yourself

A baby penguin goes up to his mum and says "Mum am I a penguin?"
"Of course you are son" replies his mother.
Not happy with the response he persists to ask again "Mum, am I really a penguin?"
"Of course you are she replies again, adding "I'm a penguin, your dad's a penguin, so you're a penguin and if you don't believe me ask your dad"
So the baby penguin goes of to find his dad and asks again "Dad am I a penguin?"
Dad replies "Of course you are son and a very handsome one you are to. Just like your old dad"
The baby peguin is still not happy and once agan asks "Dad, am I really, realy a peguin?"
Dad replies again"Yes of course you are son. Your Mum is a penguin, I'm a penguin and together we had you so you are a penguin. See?"
The little baby penguin hangs his head and says "OK Dad" in a very dis-believing tone.
Dad is bewildered and asks "Why do ask if you are really a penguin son?"

.......and the bay penguin responds.......

"Because I'm f***ing freezing"

**Wolf** · 12-07-2010 05:07

Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost.

**tonyc206** · 12-08-2010 03:55

I though I saw a singing Peguin today, but it was just a (w)rapper

**Wolf** · 12-08-2010 05:13

Speaks for it self. A standing sort of landing.

Wolf

**Warhorse47** · 12-13-2010 18:18

**Wolf** · 12-13-2010 20:15

Good one ACE.

Wolf

**Flying Officer Kyte** · 12-14-2010 00:11

Originally Posted by Wolf

Speaks for it self. A standing sort of landing.

Wolf

I would have said a stunning sort of landing.
Rob.

**Flying Officer Kyte** · 12-14-2010 00:13

Originally Posted by Warhorse47

I have come across a lot of WoW pilots with the same problem as the Penguin.
Rob.

**The Cowman** · 12-14-2010 00:24

You know Dasher and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall, the most famous penguin of all?

**Flying Officer Kyte** · 12-14-2010 00:52

Originally Posted by The Cowman

You know Dasher and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall, the most famous penguin of all?

You missed out Randolph the brown nosed reindeer who ran behind Ruldoph the red nosed reindeer. He could run just as fast as Rudolph, but couldn't stop as quickly.

Rob.