Don't encourage him Aled.Originally Posted by Pope
Thanks John,
Just what I needed for the next family gathering of the wifes clan.
Cheers,
Aled
Oops! Too late.
Rob.
Don't encourage him Aled.Thanks John,
Just what I needed for the next family gathering of the wifes clan
Cheers,
Aled
Oops! Too late.
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
Flying Penguins.
John!
Well done indeed.Two birds with one stone!
Rich
Now you are encouraging him as well Rich. We will now be plagued with Penguin jokes forever if he thinks he has an audience.John!
Well done indeed.
Rich
There is only one recourse left. We will have to give him the BIRD..
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
who needs encouragement, Kytey?
A penguin talks his way onto the staff of his local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his flipper. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.
Eventually it lets go but only in its death throws. It floats to the surface and the penguin groans. First day on the job and he's killed one of the exhibits. Suddenly the penguin has a flash of brilliance and decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.
He scuttles off to the lions' enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs the fish over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.
Whistling nonchalantly the penguin goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The head keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a large turd hits him on the back of the neck. He turns around to see a pair of chimpanzees howling with delight at their new game.
The penguin warns the monkeys off and tries to carry on cleaning the cage, when - Splat! Splat, two more turds bounce off his head and in a rage, the penguin takes a swing at the chimps with his shovel and batters the two chimps stone dead.
"Oh, Walruses!" thinks the penguin, "Now, look what I've done, what am I going to do?" Once more the lions come to mind. If they worked once, why not give it another go? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and tosses them over the fence where the lions pounce on them, and scoff the lot..
Again the penguin goes to the zoo keeper a nd asks what wants doing next. He is told to collect the honey from the hives of some killer bees. No one told him about protective clothing. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive until a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey filled board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Oh, Walruses!, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might expect, he again throws the evidence into the lion enclosure, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion 's enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.
"Hello" he says.
"Afternoon" say the other lions.
"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion.
"Not bad" say the other lions.
"Food OK?" asks the new lion hopefully.
"Not half, yesterday we had fish and chimps and mushy bees!"
John.
Nice one John.
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
I actually laughed out loud at that one. I hate myself for it.
Mummy Penguin is sitting with her baby, by a fishing hole when suddenly the water errupts from the hole! Seizing her little one she rapidly retreats, as an elephant seal emerges from the hole and rushes towards them. He overhauls them rapidly, and in desperation, the mother turns, faces him square on and roars like an angry Polar Bear. The elephant skids to halt, stares at the penguin for a second and then turns and rushes back to the ice hole and dives in.
Mother turns to her little one and says, 'See how important it is to learn a foreign language?!?'
John.
Two walruses boarded a plane for a holiday in the States. One sat in the window seat
the other sat in the middle seat.
The aircraft is held up waiting for the final passenger to board.Just before take-off,
a penguin, dressed in holiday clothes waddled up to the plane, got on and took the only
free seat,the aisle seat, next to the two walruses.
The penguin kicked off his shoes, sighed with relief, wiggled his feet and was settling
in when the Walrus in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the penguin, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the walrus picked up the penguin's right shoe, hawked and spat into
it.
As the penguin arrived back and went to sit down, the second walrus remarked that the
coke looked great and he thought he might go and get one.
Again, the penguin obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the second walrus
picked up the penguin's other shoe and spat in it. The penguin returned and they all
sat back and enjoyed the rest of the lengthy flight to America.
As the plane was landing, the penguin slipped his feet into his shoes and knew at once
what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the penguin asked.
"This fighting between our races? This hatred? This animosity?
All this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"...
John.
Not quite the way I originally heard it John, but far more P.C. (that is Penguin correct)
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
Ah! I loved the fish and chimps one...way too funny
How do penguins catch polar bears?
They cut a hole in the ice and line the edge with peas.
When a polar bear bends over to take a pea, the penguin creeps up behind and kicks him
in the icehole....
John
Sorry Charlie, I would hate to think of you having your missus cut off your thread! I guess fish, chips and mushy peas IS peculiarly 'British'. Glad it amused you.
Cheers,
John.
As a change from penguins - A Dancing Walrus!!
Check this - I wish I could dance this well!!
http://tapespace.com/view/Dancing_Walrus
John.
Nice one John.
I've seen that guy with the big moustache before. Same guy different routine.
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
How do you make a penguin float?
Add two or three scoops of penguin to a glass of soda.
Are penguins expensive to keep as pets?
Nope! They mainly live on ice!
John
A penguin gets lost in a storm, and trying to outrun it, swims north. After weeks of
travelling he sees an icy shore before him and he happily waddles onto the ice. He
doesn't realise he has reached the Arctic, and wanders around squeaking and squawking to try to summon some friendly penguins. Suddenly a Polar Bear appears round a hill of
snow and charges up to the penguin, who drops to his knees and starts to pray. To his
amazement, the Polar Bear also kneels down and starts to pray. The penguin cries,
"Hallelujah! It's a miracle!" The polar bear opens one eye and says "Please don't talk
while I'm saying grace."
John.
A tiny penguin and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours
sitting on the ice, the tiny penguin became curious about the world around him. He
looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."
The little penguin sat quietly for a while longer, then turned back to his dad and
asked, "Dad, how does ice float on the water?"
Once again daddy penguin considered the question before replying, "Darned if I know, son."
Looking around him, the tiny penguin asks "How come the sky is blue, dad?"
After some thought, his dad replies. "No idea, son"
The inquisitive penguin, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do
you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?
John
Very amusing John.
Now tell me more about Grace.
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
Rob,
Not much to tell. She turned out to be too tall for me. I used to have to stand on a box. One day it collapsed as we were saying good night. You could say, I fell from Grace!!
John
There I just knew it had to be a bird you were with. What with your fixation on penguins and all.Rob,
Not much to tell. She turned out to be too tall for me. I used to have to stand on a box. One day it collapsed as we were saying good night. You could say, I fell from Grace!!
John
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
Yup!
Bumblie3
MIL for POPE
Two penguins are sitting together on a n ice flow when one of them notices sharks circling a female penguin who has got herself into difficulties. He begins to get up to waddle to her rescue when the other penguin grabs his flipper and holds him back.
The penguin says,"Why are you holding me back? We have to go rescue that penguin!"
To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That penguin is my mother-in-law."
"Are you trying to kill her?" shrieks the first penguin.
"It a tempting thought but, just you watch!"
Just then, the sharks position themselves beneath the struggling penguin, and lifting her on their backs, carry her all the way to shore, depositing her safely.
"How on earth did you know that would happen?" asked the first penguin
.
"Professional courtesy."
John.
Some mother in law, some penguin. Same bird I gave you last time.Two penguins are sitting together on a n ice flow when one of them notices sharks circling a female penguin who has got herself into difficulties. He begins to get up to waddle to her rescue when the other penguin grabs his flipper and holds him back.
The penguin says,"Why are you holding me back? We have to go rescue that penguin!"
To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That penguin is my mother-in-law."
"Are you trying to kill her?" shrieks the first penguin.
"It a tempting thought but, just you watch!"
Just then, the sharks position themselves beneath the struggling penguin, and lifting her on their backs, carry her all the way to shore, depositing her safely.
"How on earth did you know that would happen?" asked the first penguin
.
"Professional courtesy."
John.
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
Another MIL joke for POPE
Why do penguins bury their mothers-in-law 18 feet down, instead of the usual 6 feet?
Because somebody told them that, deep, deep down, mothers-in-law are really quite nice....
John.
Flying Penguins.
John!
Stop it my ribs are cracking! Are you wearing a spooner and twirling a cane as you write these?
Rich
So, that's 2 raspberrys Rob? Is this a new low in my level of achievement?Some mother in law, some penguin. Same bird I gave you last time.
Rob.
John.
You've got me there Rich. I'm not familiar with a spooner. If its early American slang for a straw hat(?) then the answer is nope! Its raining today, so I'm wearing my Sou'wester. As for twirling a cane while I type, just imagine the typos, besides I would probably knock my cuppa char over- Blasphemy!! Is that what you Colonial chappies wear if you type a joke. I remember reading somewhere that you guys have a uniform for everything.John!
Stop it my ribs are cracking! Are you wearing a spooner and twirling a cane as you write these?
Rich
John.
Cor. Luv a duck. Mary Poppins. That image of Bumblie with a straw hat and cane reminds me of **** Van Dyke.You've got me there Rich. I'm not familiar with a spooner. If its early American slang for a straw hat(?) then the answer is nope! Its raining today, so I'm wearing my Sou'wester. As for twirling a cane while I type, just imagine the typos, besides I would probably knock my cuppa char over- Blasphemy!! Is that what you Colonial chappies wear if you type a joke. I remember reading somewhere that you guys have a uniform for everything.
John.
Rob.
Last edited by Flying Officer Kyte; 10-30-2010 at 06:46.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
You have to admit, Rob, that penguin chorus line certainly made Duck Van Dyke look good - well, as good as anything could!!Cor. Luv a duck. Mary Poppins. That image of Bumblie with a straw hat and cane reminds me of **** Van Dyke.
Rob.
John.
Just perfect, Kevin.
John.
An young penguin, in desperate need of money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman. He began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work.
He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs
to be done.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The penguin said, "How about 10 dollars?" The man sniggered to himself, agreed and told
him that the paint and everything he needed were in the garage. A short time later,
the penguin came to the door to collect his money.
"You're finished already?" the owner asked.
"Yes," replied the penguin, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it a second coat."
Stunned, the man handed over the $10.
"And by the way," the penguin called over his shoulder, as he waddled through the gate,
"that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!"....
John.
Oh. John.
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
Just in. Picture of Bumblie in his new D.J.
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
At the risk of proving to my girls that others agree my jokes are c**p
Did you hear about the Emperor Penguin? He abdicated, so now he's just Mr. Penguin.
Welcome Brian, your daughters should be in awe of you....
John.
WoW Kytey, don't I look smart??Just in. Picture of Bumblie in his new D.J.
Rob.
John.
Question or statement?
Run for your life - there are stupid people everywhere!
A young penguin and his father escape from the zoo and wander into a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The penguin asked his father, "What is this, dad?"
Dad, (never having seen an elevator), responded "Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I've no idea what it is!"
While the penguins stand watching wide-eyed and beaks agape an old woman on sticks, hobbles up to the moving walls, and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady hobbles between them into a small room. The walls closed and the small penguin and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. Facinated, they continued to watch as the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 21 year old woman stepped out.
The father bent over and whispered to his son, "Quick, go back to the zoo and fetch your Mother!"
John
Clearly I have to plumb new depths.
In Penguin society, the upper class are called Fountain-Penguins; the middle class Ball-Point Penguins; and the working class Pencilguins!
I expect you are looking for the aproval of a seal for that joke then.
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
Well, my penguin jokes are krillingly funny
Catching, isn't it???
He He, now where is my flying harness to clip myself to the bar. Here is Ł50 pour me out when it gone
Allow me to hold that glass for you, old chap.....
If we are going for a drink in the Mess, I suggest we have some pasta to soak up the alcohol.
Apparently they have a new shape invented at the South Pole - a fusion of Penne and Linguine called ..... wait for it, wait for it ....... Penguine (tada)
i thought that was pretty tasteless.
Pasta la vista!
No just past a joke.
Rob.
"Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death."
In my defence, not my joke - I got it from that lass Anya
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