Flying Helmut

Down to Earth – with a Chump!

Arriving at Philadelphia International Airport, I faced the ‘Ordeal by Incivility’ which apparently is the Modus Operandi of the Passport Control Security Officers.

Beckoned forward from the front of the queue by a large, angry-looking individual, I was then ordered to “Halt!” at his glass booth, and the Interrogation began…

Q “Why are you entering the United States?” A “To go to the ‘Origins’ Games Convention in Columbus, Ohio.”

Q “Where are you going?” A “ errm, Columbus, Ohio.”

Q “What for?” A “Pleasure – It’s a vacation.”

Q “Where are you staying?” A “With a friend, in Dayton.”

Q “What’s his name?” A “Jim O’Neill, I’ve got his address here….”

“I don’t need to see that!”............... “Okaaaaayyyyy……”

Q “Have you got any food or drink in your carry-on?” A “No, nothing”

“OK, I need you to look into this.” He indicated towards a small metallic device on the shelf in front of his desk, a gizmo which resembled an optician’s eye-testing tool. I took a step towards it, and he FREAKED OUT!

“GET BACK! GET BACK, SIR!” he yelled, as he jumped back away from his glass window, holding up one arm in a STOP gesture.

“But, you asked me to look through that thing.” I protested.

“Nah, I want you to step back, now!”

Stepping back, I said “I’m just doing what you asked me to do!”

“That’s not what I wanted you to do!”............... “But it’s what you told me to do….”

Two Peoples divided by a Common Language…. OH YES!!!!

“Press your fingers down on here.” – he pointed to the fingerprint reader.

“No, press down!”........... “I am pressing down – look, my fingertips have gone white!”

“Get your wrist lower!”.......... “It’s already down below the shelf!”

“You’re not doing it right!”....... Thinks <<erm, DITTO!>>

Finally, after much grumbling, he grumpily let me pass through the gate. Success! I had entered the United States of America!